Where does cheating begin? does it have a beginning and an end? would it be ok if someone said ‘i only kissed/cuddled’ and “nothing else” (read penetration) happened. I have been bothered by these thoughts. This is the standard line given by most cheaters -“that nothing much happened!! or that it happened only once and the other person came on to me”. Does cheating only once in a while make you a better person than someone who does it frequently? Does it matter who came on to whom, since both of you participated! I mean is that supposed to make me feel O.K. that you only kissed or held hands? is receiving oral sex any less of cheating than penetrative sex? If anything its gonna make me feel worse in a twisted way somehow! go figure. When you promise its not going to happen again., am I supposed to be reassured that its the end or continually affected that it did happen at some point, and could again in the future..? Since it does always begin with a thought inside your head, does it mean that every time you have dirty thoughts about other women you are cheating on me? Lord, take me out of this rut! im going crazy.
I fell for your words, sweet sensual. Seemed so magical at the time. I was so naive. It was all about power & control. That is the dynamics of our relationship. You earn therefore you are the boss. Your word is the last word. You can choose to do whatever you want, but God forbid if I so much as dare to think independently. You stay out late at nights, never say where you are going, with whom you are going. But when I go out, im supposed to give you my whole itinery for the day. My whole fucking life revolves around you! Im lost in your life.
I found pheramone spray in your bag. found condoms in the coin pocket of your jeans, saw your stack of Viagara, that you’ve hidden from me. Have caught you talking in hushed tones one too many times when I suddenly enter the room. Yet you ask me to trust you. You swear on our kid that you never cheated on me. I want to believe you, but my instincts tell me otherwise. This was 3 yrs ago just before we had that huge fight & you threw me out for not trusting you. You said that there was no need for carrying condoms from the house as there are vending machines everywhere. Im confused. What would anybody else in my position think or do?In bed you have lost many aan erections just before you enter me, blaming it on stress that i give you! I think you are just not aroused by my body any more. Please tell me dear reader if you are there. What do you think? Is it really my overactive imagination as Im blamed of?
I wish someone would hug me tight, comfort me & tell me that everythings gonna be alright. Im unable to handle this pain. Im incapable of life! I want to end this so badly but my childs face makes me stop & reconsider. Why Oh why didnt you kill me when I was a foetus in your womb. Why did you let me out here in this big bad worldd?? I m disturbed, I dont know how long I can go on. Im living each day like a zombie robot. Just numb, but these feellings somehow creep inside me. I want to tell them to fuck off! Nobody lives here anymore!
There seems to be an uncontrollable rage burning within me, eating away at my insides, corroding me, making me weak & vulnerable. I just cannot seem to get a grip over it, over myself. I feel so tired, so exhausted, today is parfticularly bad. I have been crying on and off. Saw something funny & suddenly giggled , butt the mood is still sullen, maybe Im going mad or perhaps I already have??
It is this feeling of helplessness tempered with rage & sadness..How could I have been so foolish.I knew it all along but just didnt want to accept it. Maybe this serves me right. Im lonely, bored with life. The bouts of depression keep hitting me at regular intervals. There seems to be no hope for me. The future with or without him seems bleak. Sometimes I feel like kicking all of this away and going far far away from all this, but then again my mind betrays me–its a big bad world out there. The only difference between there and here is a roof over my head!
The weather is befitting my mood, dark & gloomy and its raining. I dont know what it is about the rains, but it always succeeds in altering my mood. Either it makes me feel supremely depressed or extremely nostalgic and both moods leave me with a gloomy dark cloud hovering over my head. Maybe I have SAD- Seasonal affective disorder. I dont know.
Next month is partners birthday, Im filled with mixed emotions, what do I get someone who has lied to me, cheated on me? insulted me, put me down in front of friends & family, threw me out of the house more than once, knowing that I am financially depndent on him! On the other side, when he has been in one of his good moods, has brought me fine gifts, expensive jewellery. Does all this take away/erase bad memories, all the horrible things that he has said and done to me? I dont know. i guess im just happy when hes in a good mood, relieved that the day is gonna end well. But I have to get something, despite knowing that he is going to belittle it like always, because i dont spend a lot, since its all his money(dont want to be accused later of being a spendthrift, that too on useless gifts-all of mine usually are )
So since partners into real estate, this is what i have in mind- hopefully he’ll like it.
I hate my life. even though it looks comfortable on the surface, the price im paying for this comfort is taking its toll on me! Im very depressed right now, have been for the past few days. Yesterday, i heard him talk on the phone to someone mentioning how hot his ex’s were compared to me.. why did he chose me then?? why ruin my life, kill my very living spirit, if you werent happy with this. I never forced you into anything not that you can ever be forced into anything you disagree with. We could have very well walked our separate ways. 17yrs of being together, still the way you sometimes treat me, talk to me makes me feel like i barely know you. Strangers sharing a house & a kid together.